friendship vent

5 years ago I moved a long ways away and over those years lost the friends that I had before the move. Due to kids mostly, I havent really had much time to make new ones. It didnt matter too much to me though because I had this one great friend. She is more like a sister to me than a friend.
I have helped her though some very hard times in her life. Her alcoholic father, trouble with her kids, trouble with her husband, troubles with finances, work, etc..... It was an awful time for a while and I stood by her because I love her.
Last year was rough for me but I didnt let her know since she was having such a hard time. This year I am having most of my world crumbling or falling apart in some way. Of course I turn to my friend. She in turn lets me know that she thinks this is something that I need to deal with on my own and that she knows I will be fine. That hurts a lot. She has suffered from depression before and I guess I assumed she would understand, be willing to listen, support, care. It is very very hard for me to not take this as proof that I am completely worthless and unlovable. She knows me better than anyone on earth. Yet she doesnt love me enough to help me when my world is falling apart. Its hard to not use that as proof of all the bad things I have been told about me and sometimes say to myself about me.
This has had me very messed up for the last few weeks. I'm doing my best to not be drown by it. Its just a very hard thing for me to understand.

Steph,
I have been in a similar situation as you are in right now. I have discovered that some people get overwhelmed when they are asked for help/advice on tough issues. So instead of trying to help, they try to blow it off in order to make it disappear. I am sure she loves you dearly and just doesn't know the words to say in order to help you. You are definately not a bad person and don't let anyone tell you you are.

One day I was walking down a quiet alleyway with my brothers girlfriend, when a large aggressive dog popped out of nowhere and started barking and getting ready to attack, I, as a gentleman should, put myself between the dog and my brothers gf, and told her to slowly walk out of the alleyway, no response, so I turned toward her and she was gone.

I still don't know why I was surprised or why I am surprised any time other people put themselves first with absolutely no regard for anyone else's happiness or safety. I can only hang onto the fact I did the right thing when I could and dismiss those that didn't.

I have a lot of those stories if you want them.

awww Lyc, me too hon, me too. Maybe we should share some back and forth. Think it would help heal the little wounds that seem to come with each one?

Friends, yes, there is a complicated topic. There is a big difference between people we know, and friends. I feel for you steph and I don't mean to sound too cynical, but we all in the end need to count on ourselves and know that we can make it alone. I use an expression, "No one wants to be around unhappy people". I've gotten a lot of flak about that from the friend I'm struggling with now, but I think for most people it is true. But for some people, like us, we will tend to put others before ourselves always, and ask for nothing back. And yes, then when the time comes that you do need something you fall down because no one will catch you.

I've been told to "deal with my issues", "deal with the pain" etc., and this has been described as "loving care". I've been told that its because my friend loves me that they tell me the hard things. What is missing is a lack of understanding of what I need.

Hang in there Steph, you have friends here.

Thank you pepperpot. I have been struggling with putting myself first. I think it is time that I did that instead of caring for everyone else first. Its time I talked with that friend and let her know she either needs to support me as I have supported her, or I need to move on. Thank you all for supporting me and giving me a safe place to work on healing myself.

Hi steph.s

it's been 3 weeks since your last message. I'm hoping you had that little talk with your friend, and better yet, I'm hoping she realized what a true friend she has in you, and has offered you the love and support you need and so deserve.

I know how you feel about taking someone’s actions or words as proof to how we already feel. "hey thanks, that’s just what i needed, just a little more proof, yup. I often feel the same way myself. The feelings of not being worthy, of anything, and you end up feeling like crap, and crawling into a hole. Unfortunately, that’s just the way we think. So we give and give, just hoping a little would be returned someday, but even if it's not, we just keep on giving while just barely living ourselves. We come to find that giving is one of the few joys we have left in our life. This is all pretty gloomy i know, but from my experience, and it's been about 30 years now, that's just the way it is.

But like i said, that's just the way we think, in reality we are all worthy of every joy this world has to offer. We offer so much to this world, we just don't realize it. We are all wonderful, caring and loving people, embrace that.

It's so unfortunate that we don't realize who our true friends are until we really need them.

Take care all
jimmy

sadly Jimmy, no she hasnt come around. I tried to make up with her, thinking maybe it was my insecurities misreading the situation. We talked and she did say that she doesnt want or cant be supportive of me right now. After all we have been through together and all that I've helped her through, when I need someone the most, she is bailing out on me. It hurts quite a bit.
What you wrote was so true Jimmy, about the giving. That might be depressing but its also my experience as well. I always figured that if I really did reach the end, and really really needed help, someone would be there for me. Its so hard to believe I am a good person, someone worthy of love when during the times I've needed someone the most, literally everyone abandoned me. All I have left is the people on this site.
I am so grateful for that. Every day. I probably owe Ashley my life for starting this site.

I'm so sorry it worked out that way steph. I hope you can take some solace when I tell you that freind is not deserving of a freind such as you, but you do have us and we are your friends. No matter what.

She's a good person. I still love her like a sister. I have the hardest time not blaming myself, but I cant really blame myself for depression, can I.
I'm so grateful for this site and the people in it. I have to confess there are days that I really believe there is something evil about me that hurts people so that they need to distance themselves from me. Those days I have a hard time because it feels so selfish and hurtful to hang out around my friends. Doesnt seem logical to me on good days but on bad days, I completely believe it.