I didnt know where this fit exactly so I am sticking it here. I guess its like an introduction. Sort of an introduction to who I am on the inside.
I learned that you can’t ever trust an adult. That if you need something you will have to find a way to provide it for yourself. My parents taught me that.
I learned that a good, strong friendship is usually one sided, meaning that its ok for my friend to have problems and need my support but I am not allowed to be weak. If I am the friendship will end. Several close friends have taught me that.
I’ve learned that I have been a victim of emotional abuse, bullying and controlling all my life. I did several things to protect myself but I never was in a place where I could stop it as a child. As an adult it never occurred to me to stop it. I lied to myself and blocked memories and emotions to make life easier for me. But that allowed the abuse to continue. I have finally stopped the abuse on the outside. I will never again allow her to do that to me. However, her voice still lives inside me. She had 30 years to drill into me and burrow her poison into my soul. I want her out of there and I am having the worst time accomplishing that. Some days are better than others but its all still in there and since its disguised as my own inner voice, its very very very hard to identify sometimes.
I’ve learned that nobody I know feels that I need help or support when I am dangerously ill, when I ask, or when I am in tears. Being dangerously ill, asking and crying this year have taught me that.
I am an amazing single mother and I can do anything alone. My husband leaving me emotionally, leaving the kids, and physically being gone most of the time taught me that.
It is possible to be less hopeless than you are when you are suicidal. Nearly dying, realizing that I could not leave my children all alone in a world (since my husband is not interested in playing dad they would be alone) I could not in fact commit suicide. I am very very grateful that I decided that or I would not be here. However, I lost the hope that dying would help. LoL I experienced a new level of hopelessness, even suicide would not help lol. My last suicidal thought/near miss taught me that.
I have learned that family does not love you and protect you just because you share genetics. I’ve also learned that it is very hard to create your own family. Many many years of not having anyone who loved AND cared about me (sometimes someone does one but not the other) and trying as best as I could to create a family around me has taught me that. At this point I am not sure that I will ever get to have that. That nice protective net that having a family gives someone. I can create that for my children and for other people, but finding a way to set that up for me has been impossible so far.
I have learned that I lie to myself in an attempt to make hard things more tolerable. That wouldn’t bother me so much if I always knew it was a lie. Sometimes I don’t though. When I find out it’s a bit of a shock and rather disturbing to have believed something only to find out it was never true. For example, I have lied to myself for 5 years that I love night shift. Yes there are some good qualities to night shift. But I needed to work them for the extra money. So I lied to myself very convincingly that I loved them. It made the last 5 years of working them bare able. This lie is ok. It serves a purpose and I am aware of it. Less most of the time but deep down I do know the truth. There are other lies that I don’t know about and those are frustrating. I know this from trying to change things about myself over the last several years and from therapy.
I have no idea why I am writing this. I started writing it a couple days ago. When I felt that I needed to join a depression support website a month or so ago, I promised myself that I would actually try to let people know me, and help me. So even though it feels very wrong to post this I am going to.
I learned that you can’t ever trust an adult. That if you need something you will have to find a way to provide it for yourself. My parents taught me that.
I learned that a good, strong friendship is usually one sided, meaning that its ok for my friend to have problems and need my support but I am not allowed to be weak. If I am the friendship will end. Several close friends have taught me that.
I’ve learned that I have been a victim of emotional abuse, bullying and controlling all my life. I did several things to protect myself but I never was in a place where I could stop it as a child. As an adult it never occurred to me to stop it. I lied to myself and blocked memories and emotions to make life easier for me. But that allowed the abuse to continue. I have finally stopped the abuse on the outside. I will never again allow her to do that to me. However, her voice still lives inside me. She had 30 years to drill into me and burrow her poison into my soul. I want her out of there and I am having the worst time accomplishing that. Some days are better than others but its all still in there and since its disguised as my own inner voice, its very very very hard to identify sometimes.
I’ve learned that nobody I know feels that I need help or support when I am dangerously ill, when I ask, or when I am in tears. Being dangerously ill, asking and crying this year have taught me that.
I am an amazing single mother and I can do anything alone. My husband leaving me emotionally, leaving the kids, and physically being gone most of the time taught me that.
It is possible to be less hopeless than you are when you are suicidal. Nearly dying, realizing that I could not leave my children all alone in a world (since my husband is not interested in playing dad they would be alone) I could not in fact commit suicide. I am very very grateful that I decided that or I would not be here. However, I lost the hope that dying would help. LoL I experienced a new level of hopelessness, even suicide would not help lol. My last suicidal thought/near miss taught me that.
I have learned that family does not love you and protect you just because you share genetics. I’ve also learned that it is very hard to create your own family. Many many years of not having anyone who loved AND cared about me (sometimes someone does one but not the other) and trying as best as I could to create a family around me has taught me that. At this point I am not sure that I will ever get to have that. That nice protective net that having a family gives someone. I can create that for my children and for other people, but finding a way to set that up for me has been impossible so far.
I have learned that I lie to myself in an attempt to make hard things more tolerable. That wouldn’t bother me so much if I always knew it was a lie. Sometimes I don’t though. When I find out it’s a bit of a shock and rather disturbing to have believed something only to find out it was never true. For example, I have lied to myself for 5 years that I love night shift. Yes there are some good qualities to night shift. But I needed to work them for the extra money. So I lied to myself very convincingly that I loved them. It made the last 5 years of working them bare able. This lie is ok. It serves a purpose and I am aware of it. Less most of the time but deep down I do know the truth. There are other lies that I don’t know about and those are frustrating. I know this from trying to change things about myself over the last several years and from therapy.
I have no idea why I am writing this. I started writing it a couple days ago. When I felt that I needed to join a depression support website a month or so ago, I promised myself that I would actually try to let people know me, and help me. So even though it feels very wrong to post this I am going to.